You are the quintessential wounded lover!
And this little missive isn't just fodder for the gaping maw of a boring afternoon.
It's your invitation to the relationship of a lifetime!
Bet that whet your appetite, didn't it?
If you were a moth, relationships would be your flame.
But are you ready for THIS relationship?
Right now, you are like a lonely child trapped in a dark -basement-cage
made of other people's craven desires.
You are sheltered only by their hunger satisfied. Every bar is reinforced by the bitter, heavy fragments of your past. Your own dry bones have nearly turned to dust and your dreams lie like carcasses beneath your weary feet. All around you greedy hands are reaching for one last morsel of you.
Up until now, you couldn't even imagine breaking free; you had no desire to break out. It has always seemed that your true potential would simply remain forever ensconced in this "love" ravaged graveyard of possibilities.
But you have begun to stir. In fact, if you look closely, you will see. Your thoughts are ablaze with ideas about claiming your place in the sunshine and of nourishing your dreams before it's too late.
Against the odds, whether you have noticed or not, you are planning an Uprising! Otherwise, what are you doing here?
As for me? I have come to echo the call of your heart. I invite you to rattle that cage, storm the exit and choose your own renaissance.
Should you accept this invitation, along the way, we will encounter both the breathtaking beauty and the wretched, gut wrenching ugliness of that which has sustained you until now. This is but one leg of a vast journey. We will also discover your greatness. Then, towards the end, we will uncover your dreams and lavish them with light.
Are you ready? Of course you don't think you are. You are still hung up on the word WE. Outside the cage, what will it mean?
Alas, you have met the first challenge. Before it's over, you must find the courage to journey with another, side-by-side (instead of carrying the weight of a thousand predatory muggers).
Will you take my hand?
Before you decide, I believe a tribute is in order!
Faced with the things you have experienced, many people would have lost faith in relationships and grown to avoid and/or hate other people. Not you! You became a master of the social scene. You have a friendship roster a mile long.
In fact, everything you went through actually heightened your sociability and your desire to help. It made you even less selfish and more eager to give pleasure to others.
You were able to cultivate kindness and caring even under the most extreme circumstances of abandonment and betrayal. You can read other people’s needs and desires like a book and you put that skill to good use making the people around you happy and secure. People feel good when you are in the room. Likewise, when things are going well, you feel great in the company of others.
Compassion and empathy come easily for you too. When there is a crisis, you naturally yearn to give aid to those affected. In fact, caring for others and making the world a better place is your natural gift. You really love to share too. It actually makes you happy to see other people happy.
I humbly bow to you!
I also weep at the anguish in your eyes!
In fact, it's those sad eyes that have me wondering if you might actually be ready, at long last. They contain a somber truth about the way you have lived. Everyone says the eyes are the windows to the soul, and in yours, I see the ghosts of a 1,000 betrayals. I see a deep chasm of unfulfilled yearning for love.
Just as I said, you have an amazing capacity for caring, a sincere fondness for people and a legendary ability to read other people's moods and expectations. In fact, your "love" knows no limits.
And that's THE PROBLEM.
You can't stop!
Caring for others isn't just something you enjoy. It's something you feel compelled to do because you merge with others in order to connect with them, win their approval and create “safety” for yourself. For you the cost of being in a relationship is the forfeiture of your own dreams and desires and the full scale adoption of the other person's. The price of peace and/or safety is the surrender of your own preferences and the relinquishment of your boundaries. In fact, your boundaries are generally so porous that you hardly know who you are separate and apart from the people in your life.
As a result, even as you grow wearier and wearier of sustaining other people, you feel unable to withdraw even a modicum of your support. Truthfully, you no longer even know where your needs and wants end and other people’s begin. Your relationship to love and caring is actually so out of whack that you frequently mistake other people's yearnings for your own and then prioritize them. Consequently, your own greatest potential remains locked and hidden away beneath your compulsive need to care for and please others.
Sadly, your dreams have rarely seen the light of day.
When you have been bold enough to trot your own aspirations out into the sunshine, you have also pretty much instantly sabotaged them by finding someone else whose dreams were in need of a little TLC, or even better, someone whose latest crisis or hunger for love demanded your immediate attention.
This situation is exacerbated by the fact that your lack of boundaries extends even to your own perceptions. You have a terrible time holding on to your own version of reality. This creates a convenient opportunity for those who seek to benefit by manipulating you. With a modicum of effort, they can slip past your meager defenses and then mold your worldview so that it matches their own. In the wake of this clever ruse, you begin to very easily disbelieve your own reasonable observations and to just as easily believe their preposterous explanations and promises.
It isn’t that you can’t see the truth. It is that when you are in the presence of someone who wants you to see things differently, you can’t help but sink into the story they construct for you. This is especially true if the other person brings a certain spoken or unspoken edge of danger to your relationship. Not surprisingly, you, therefore, frequently find yourself in relationships with toxic people who either intentionally exploit you or unconsciously take advantage of your tendency to merge and to serve.
Similarly, you have a hard time attracting people who wish to create a more safe and mutual experience. In fact, receiving feels foreign and a little bit dangerous to you. Consequently, despite your intense longing, you are as blocked to receiving love and support as you are committed to giving it! Those who are looking for emotional intimacy or who have something to offer experience this block as rejection. So they move on.
Needy, soul suckers with an agenda for gain, on the other hand, feel right at home.
Having a conversation with you isn't much different. You hang back and listen sacrificing your own expression in order to support and/or give the other person the attention they crave. You do this partially to hide and partially to ingratiate yourself with the other person. This creates a vacuum on your side of the conversation that feels like an open invitation to narcissistic spotlight hogs.
Oh, and confrontation…Forget about it! To you confronting another person for their abusive or inappropriate behavior feels like death. This is because you learned a long time ago that confronting another person is a dangerous thing to do. Instead, you learned to survive by substituting care taking for confrontation. You also learned to substitute flattery for authentic communication.
Being perceived as agreeable and helpful is the only safety you have ever known. Never are you more useful to another person than when that person has their boot on your throat. Never are you more eager to please than when your companion has one foot out the door.
Ummm. Boot lickin' good!
The Hunger for MORE
By now you may have suffered a number of truly violent and/or abusive relationships. You may feel spent and burned out from all the effort you have put out on behalf of other people. Alternatively, you may just be feeling unsatisfied or finally getting in touch with a low grade sense of exhaustion.
You may also be discovering that you are (surprise, surprise) involved in a bunch of one sided relationships in which your needs have never been a priority, not even to you. In short, you may finally be craving MORE than anyone in your life is willing or able to give.
Whatever the case, even though your relationships are seriously out of balance, nothing is more important to you than shared experience.
So, you can’t imagine throwing in the towel and buying a herd of cats instead.
Perhaps you are beginning to yearn for a solution?!?!
Yearning, no matter how fervent, is not enough!
You must do the unthinkable: form a rock solid, passionate, empathic and loving relationship with yourself while also prioritizing your needs, desires and aspirations above all others.
I’m not going to sugarcoat this for you. The challenge you face is a significant one. Because of the severe abuse and/or abandonment you have experienced, you never fully developed your own separate sense of self. Plus you have suppressed your feelings, especially your anger, for a really long time. Finally, you have abandoned and abnegated yourself for so long that you may struggle mightily as you work to transfer your empathy to yourself, re-engage your needs/desires and begin having the necessary confrontations that will allow you to address the relationship imbalances you have created.
In short, once we learn to avoid abuse and abandonment with servitude, ingratiation and obsequiousness, it can be very difficult to begin living for ourselves and according to our own desires. We learned to defend ourselves and avoid abandonment with caretaking because we really didn’t have any better options. As a result, it is very hard to believe another kind of experience is possible. It is also incredibly difficult to face the circumstances that pushed us towards compulsive caregiving in the first place.
As you open this old wound, you are going to discover that, in all your generous care taking of others, you deserted the still small child inside of you who yearns for your love. This child also contains the part of you that knows what you need and desire and has a powerful hunger to achieve it. When you touch the tiny hand of your own yearnings, it will become very difficult to remain focussed on other people's agendas. It may be equally hard to take hold of that hand!
That's because, as you begin the journey to more self-centered living, you will likely encounter tremendous resistance from those who are accustomed to benefiting from your “generosity” and your underdeveloped sense of self. You will also encounter your own resistance. So much of who you are is wrapped up in your sense of yourself as kind, empathic and generous. So much of your identity is contained in the entrenched habit of always putting yourself last.
Fortunately, you don't have to choose between becoming the power hungry, cold hearted Wicked Witch of the West and remaining the undefended host to the parasitic vampires that would otherwise suck you dry.
Glenda the Good Witch was no lightweight after all!
What you do need is the perseverance and the genuine commitment TO YOURSELF and YOUR DREAMS that will make a whole new life possible. If you are willing to finally put some elbow grease in on your own behalf, you can go from being the wounded lover (trapped by other people’s needs and desires) to being the Archetypal Lover. As the Archetypal Lover, you will find a balance between giving and receiving and finally begin to put your compassion to work making a powerful difference for yourself, and eventually, for the world around you.
The moment you choose to become the Archetypal Lover, is also the moment you walk away from everything you think you know and from all the ways you have survived until now. You will go from being secure in your relationship connections (because everyone needs you) to learning a whole new relationship style that may leave you feeling truly insecure. It may also create a fair amount of upset in matters that once felt settled (even if unpleasant).
Ultimately, you will have to learn to put your wallet away, put down all those projects and commitments you have taken on for other people, and find your way into a place of true selfishness, even if only for a while. For the first time in your life, you will have to buck the desires of everyone around you in favor if insisting on your own. In other words, you will have to become a master of boundary setting.
Perhaps most importantly, however, you will have to find your way into the stillness and into an encounter with yourself. Otherwise you won’t know which boundaries to set and you won’t have any idea why you need to set them! For the first time in your life, you will have to forge an intimate and primary relationship with Y-O-U.
Up until now, you have showered others with empathy. You know more about what causes your neighbor discomfort than you know about what anguishes your own heart. For a time, in order to achieve a genuine relationship with yourself, you will have to withdraw all your empathy from the people around you and finally offer it to the part of you that learned to shrink, grovel and provide for others in order to avoid an outcome worse than self denial.
In other words, it's time to choose you! Over and over and over again!
As you do so, selfishness and self directed empathy will be the key, active ingredient in a powerful anti-venom cocktail that will transform you from the prisoner of other people's desires to a powerful protagonist in your own story. Likewise, your fidelity to yourself and your dreams will serve as the bolt cutters you will use to cut yourself loose from your own self sabotage, and most importantly, from your profound loneliness. Your commitment to yourself and to bringing your gifts to this world will be the lancet you use to drain the buried anguish and the putrid stain of loss from your own heart. It will also be the thing that trains you out of merging with others and into championing your desires.
The Core Challenge
Again, I am going to tell you the hard truth: This ain't gonna be a cake walk!
As you go along, you will very likely uncover untapped reservoirs of rage. When you do, you will want to suppress your anger again. To you expressing it will feel like tempting a fate worse than death. You put away your own righteous anger along with your desires because you faced unthinkable abuse and/or abandonment otherwise. Accordingly, you will have to face down the urge to hide behind your smile and finally face the terror inherent in expressing what you really feel.
Beneath your intense anger, you will also find deep pools of overwhelming grief. You will certainly shed more tears than you may have ever imagined possible. But once you finally find the courage to grieve your own loss, you will naturally regain the desire, if not the immediate will, to care for yourself at long last.
I warn you though. This could be a dangerous and difficult time for you (beyond the risks inherent in opening up the Pandora's Box of anguish and rabid anger). Unless you are very lucky, your life is likely populated by people who will not want this change to happen. Their reactions could range from mild annoyance to violent rebellion (actual or metaphorical).
Don't let any of that stop you!
This is your time.
Your love and empathy are powerful. Once you manage to offer them to yourself, you will eventually become a fierce protector of your own interests.
With time and perseverance, you will come through both your rage and your grief and you will emerge as a powerful advocate for the most important person in your life: YOU.
This will be your renaissance. As you turn your caretaking skills and your loving heart towards yourself, all that effort you have been using to undergird other people’s agendas and dreams will be available to create your own gorgeous blossoming.
I can’t wait to meet you!
Now, do you hear that clinking sound?
That is the sound of champagne toasts jubilantly offered in celebration of your dreams realized and your desire for love finally developed on the tender point of hope that has kept you reading all the way to this glorious end.
A New Beginning
Are you ready to continue the journey that will bring you out of captivity and into a powerful experience of your own love and vibrant expression?
Don’t let that feeling of readiness fade! Take the next step.
- Gain clarity about where you are
- Find out what is keeping you stuck
- Discover where you want to be
- Learn how you can close the gap between the life you have and the one you want
- Create a clear and effective strategy for unleashing the power and potential of the healthy, well-rounded, world-changing Lover in you
- Snag your chance to apply for my Trauma to Triumph Program.
****Use this code to receive a 50% reduction in the price of your session: TAQ 50.