Freya Lives! ∞ The Crafting of a Sensual Life That Satisfies ME
I was raised to do the right, read practical, thing. For years I’ve lived in the straight-jacket like grip of society and family’s expectations. No, this diminished, false life has been like a death march for decades. People’s best intentions for you can be the worst thing for your spirit. Did physicians not use trepanning for headaches at one time? Society’s expectations can make swiss cheese of one’s spirit.
At some point in 2015 I came across Rebecka on Facebook. She was talking about how she had created her own life, after having done what society would approve of and celebrate. She said that we could all live a more fulfilled life wherever we are in our own lives. Seeing that she had already done this in her own life, I started looking for her posts and, later on, decided to work with her.
I explained to her the extreme dissatisfaction I felt in my life. I’m intelligent and creative, but hadn’t felt there was any real achievement in my life and I couldn’t understand why. I have a job most would consider a good job, but to me it is just stressful and mundane. In the beginning of our work, Rebecka would ask me what I wanted and my answer was that I didn’t know. She also pointed out that I didn’t really seem to be in touch with my feelings. That’s when we delved into my past, my upbringing. When you're raised to be a “good” girl and put everyone else’s feelings, expectations, and needs before your own it’s no wonder you’ve lost yourself.
This is the work Rebecka guided me through. Having someone skilled in personal transformation navigate me through the rough seas of my prescribed life and my deepest desires was crucial for me. Through her guidance, I saw how far back my grooming to be a “good” girl had started. My feelings never came first, they were an inconvenience to other people and their wants and needs. I learned to help other people with anything and everything they wanted, and always put myself second, or better yet, last. I was so conditioned to help, that I offered to even when it wasn’t asked of me. It was my prescribed identity.
I am now finally putting myself first. Of course, I’m there for family and close friends, but I no longer spread myself so thin that I barely exist. I had always felt too exhausted after work to pursue anything that interested me. I felt the need to rest when I wasn’t working, and this exhausted feeling was due to the stress of my job. I knew this, but didn’t see anyway out of or around it. Rebecka helped me put my job in perspective, and separate it from my identity. My job supports me materialistically while I find my true self. She encouraged me to push past the exhausted feeling and go after the things that make me feel fulfilled.
Rebecka actually assigned me to spend a half hour after work sitting in a natural area to just see what I felt, saw, smelled, or heard. After that half hour of sensual observation I was to write in a journal about how it made me feel and what I noticed. This was a great exercise for me because aside from feeling tired from the stress of my job, I also felt numb. It was very soothing for me to connect with what is real and what really matters. Iwas so busy rushing through my days I was out of touch with the natural world around me. When the wind softly brushes over my skin I stop to pay attention to it, and it reminds me that I am part of something so much bigger than man-made constructs. I listen to the birds, squirrels and enjoy observing their antics. We are in Winter now and I am looking forward to hearing the Spring Peepers in the Spring. It comes down to being present in the moment and making that “luxury” a priority for yourself. We need to feel, taste, smell, see and hear the life around us. This helps to break down the walls of isolation that constant stress seems to erect.
We also delved into my “all or nothing” and “perfectionist” tendencies. She gave me permission to fail, to not do everything perfectly. What? No one had ever told me that was okay before. What a relief! I’m actually exploring and pursuing my interests now. Guess what? I have more energy and don’t feel as bad about my job because I’m doing things that interest me and feed my spirit. I have combined my love of animals, with the need for physical activity to counteract my sedentary desk job, and the desire to help select people by volunteering at an equine-assisted therapy center. Being around the horses is very calming, and it’s the most time I spend away from a digital device. This year, 2016, I’ve joined a local community garden with a friend. I’m new to gardening, but I’m very concerned about our industrial food system and this is another issue/activity that I’m really excited about exploring. I have been reading about the industrial food issues for years, but Rebecka encouraged me to stop reading about it and to actually get out there and get my hands dirty.
I’m still human and I still have hard days, but my outlook on my future is much brighter now. I was smiling at work so much the other day, that I was getting funny looks. The old me would have toned it down to fit in with what’s expected of me. Now, I couldn’t care less! I’m not holding myself back anymore just to make other people comfortable. This is what I wish for everyone.
Image Credit: Deposit Photos